Domestic Violence is Hard to Talk About. It's Up to All of Us to Listen.

During the first quarter of the Super Bowl on Sunday, a public service announcement aired; the first Super Bowl ad to call for action to end domestic violence and sexual assault.  It sent a poignant message that although domestic violence can be hard to talk about, it is up to ALL of us to listen.

The Super Bowl ad was a collaboration of the National Football League and the NO MORE (violence) campaign (www.nomore.org).  The NFL paid for the production costs and the air time which was over $4 million dollars.  It's great that the NFL is using their public platform to raise awareness of this issue and to get it out in front of millions of homes in America. 

Historically, domestic violence was considered a private family matter with little concern to the larger community.  Now, it's a social, psychological, economic, and criminal justice matter.  One in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her life time, and 1 in 3 women die everyday at the hand of their abuser.  It is only through awareness, education, and conversation that we can shatter the silence and taboo's that surround domestic violence, and create a community that does not tolerate violence in any form.

Here are a few quick tips to help you speak up about these issues and provide you with ways you can help loved ones affected by domestic violence or sexual assault:

1.  Start a conversation by telling your children, friends, and family that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced domestic violence and 1 in 6 women and 1 in 16 men have experienced sexual assault at some point in their lifetime.  This is a great way to get the point across that these issues are serious and that many people we love have been affected by domestic and sexual violence.

 2.  Speak up when you hear offensive comments that degrade women, men, or victims of abuse.  The best thing you can do is speak up and tell them that you're not comfortable with that kind of talk.  Simply doing that can help your friends understand that it's not cool for them or anyone to degrade a person.

3.  If someone you know discloses that they are experiencing abuse now or have in the past, remember this could be the first time they're telling someone.  Reassure them that you believe them and that the abuse was not their fault. The most important thing you can do in this moment is listen and support them.

Most of all, make sure to be patient, non-judgemental, and respectful of their decisions.  Ask them if they'd like to talk to a professional counselor, and offer to sit with them while they call a national or local hotline.  Tahoe SAFE Alliance offers a 24-hour/7-days-a-week hotline: 1-800-736-1060.

4.  Make sure that your friends know whom to call to get help.  Tahoe SAFE Alliance is your local domestic violence and sexual assault agency.  We have offices in Incline Village, Kings Beach and Truckee.  For more information visit www.tahoesafealliance.org.

Tahoe SAFE Alliance Unveils Public Service Announcement on Domestic Violence Health Crisis

This Holiday Season, Tahoe SAFE Alliance has much to be thankful for.  We are grateful for the hundreds of women, men, teens, and children that have found their voice.  Women like Olivia, 18, who is a survivor of sexual assault.  She has found healing through talking and sharing her story with others.  And women like Celia, 32, who is a survivor of domestic violence.  She has found light where before there was darkness.  She and her two children are now able to live happy, healthy, violence free lives. 

 

We are thankful for the special people who support our work – through volunteering, action, and financial gifts.  We couldn’t help the hundreds of men, women, teens, and children that seek our services without the support from our North Lake Tahoe and Truckee community.  These individuals ensure that our services – the very safety net for abuse victims – are available tomorrow and for years to come.  

This Holiday Season, we are also reminded that there is more work to be done.  Educating our community about the violence and abuse that is happening in North Lake Tahoe and Truckee is extremely important so that those in violent situations know about our services.   And, to help community members  be better equipped to help our family, friends, and neighbors when we see or hear it. And, if we are to be successful at ending violence, it's important that we educate youth, businesses, and adults about violence prevention, safety, and healthy relationships.

Furthermore, raising awareness about Tahoe SAFE Alliance’s mission is important in helping to raise money for our programs and services and ensuring the financial health of the organization.  We have a multi-faceted fundraising strategy that includes financial gifts from individuals.   It is support from community members that make our organization strong.

End of year donations are important.  As we geared up for our annual end of year appeal, we received a special gift from a local community member.  This passionate family financially supported the creation of a Public Service Announcement to help us broaden awareness and financial support.  We worked with the talented and experienced Jameson Media Group and recruited Reno’s Channel 2 Evening News Anchor Wendy Damonte to communicate the domestic violence crisis and Tahoe SAFE Alliance’s financial need.

We are very excited about the PSA and it holds significance as it’s the first created for and by a domestic violence organization in Northern Nevada.  It will run on Reno’s Channel 2 in December and February.  We hope that it will raise awareness about this important issue and increase much needed funds for Tahoe SAFE Alliance.

As you watch the video, please be reminded of the 787 community members that Tahoe SAFE Alliance helped last year.  We answered 404 emergency calls on our 24-hour crisis line.  Eight women and 15 children took shelter in our Safe House.  We provided 1,688 legal services to 133 clients.  And, 31 children were given 1:1 counseling with a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Intern.  

Please help us raise awareness and share this video with family and friends.  We hope that it will motivate community members to get involved and join the movement to ending violence in our families and schools.  If we are to stop violence, it takes all of us working together.  

Happy Holidays,

Dawn Harris

Fund Development Manager

Tahoe SAFE Alliance

Domestic Violence in the NFL: We Challenge You!

September 17, 2014

Recent events surrounding the NFL, the Baltimore Ravens, and Ray Rice have vaulted conversations about domestic violence to headline status. We at Tahoe SAFE Alliance applaud the NFL for taking new and progressive steps in response to NFL players who commit domestic violence and the Baltimore Raven’s for releasing Ray Rice because of his actions.  However we feel that the new policies and reactionary punishments will not be sufficient in preventing violence against women by players in the NFL.   Much more needs to be done including on-going, progressive prevention and education efforts. 

Since 2000 80 NFL players have been arrested for domestic violence. The total amount of games those players were suspended for? 11. Most of those suspensions were for one game and handed out to those players who plead guilty. It is also important to note the combined time that these players spent in jail? Less than 10 days. 

Make no mistake; the difference between the Ray Rice incident and other NFL domestic violence incidents is that Rice committed his crime in a space that happened to be being filmed. Shortly after the NFL revised its policy on handling domestic violence incidents, San Francisco 49ers defensive tackle Ray McDonald was arrested on felony suspicion of domestic abuse.  49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, and NFL Commissioner Goodell have chosen not to take action with any penalty while the case is “being looked into”. 

 Their reasoning?  The NFL has traditionally not gotten involved in issues of domestic abuse unless there is a conviction or some damning evidence.  However, national statistics show that only a small percentage of individuals arrested for domestic violence are ultimately convicted. The reason?  Attackers in domestic abuse have an advantage most criminals don’t.  They have an intimate relationship with their victim and know how to appeal for sympathy. All too often in domestic violence cases the victims are silenced by their relationship.

The recent incidents in the NFL are catapulting domestic violence to the forefront of our nation’s attention. 

 However, domestic violence in our society has remained a serious problem in the United States. One in 4 women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner every year. But more importantly, domestic violence kills: more than 3 women a day lose their lives at the hand of their abuser.  In fact, Nevada ranks #5 in the nation in domestic violence murders.  And, these numbers are low when you consider most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.  Just like reported NFL domestic violence issues are only a fraction of the total number of instances. 

 In addition to the immediate trauma of the abuse inflicted on victims of domestic violence, both physical and emotional, victims are often re- traumatized by a society that all too often blames them for the violence that was inflicted upon. Victims of domestic violence stay in abusive relationships (and may defend their abuser) for all sorts of reasons: love, fear, embarrassment, children/family, and economic isolation, among many others. It takes profound strength, and often many attempts (on average 8), for a victim to leave an abusive relationship. These survivors should be praised for their strength, rather than blamed for not leaving.   

We should all be asking victims “How can I help?” instead of “Why do you stay?”   

Last year, Tahoe SAFE Alliance provided direct services to 787 survivors of domestic/intimate partner violence, sexual violence, and child abuse in North Lake Tahoe and Truckee.  Of this, 425 were survivors of violence and abuse who received services such as safe housing, counseling and support, filing Emergency Protective and Temporary Restraining Orders, and assistance with divorce and child custody issues.  Furthermore, we work hard every single day to create a violence free culture by educating school children, local businesses, and community members on violence prevention, safety, and healthy relationships. 

Recently, the NFL announced it has tapped 4 women experienced in crimes against women to help craft the development and implementation of the league's policies, resources, and outreach on issues of domestic violence and sexual assault. This includes Rita Smith, the former Executive Director of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. We at Tahoe SAFE Alliance applaud these latest efforts and, while this is a step in the right direction, we challenge the NFL to use their public platform to demonstrate leadership when setting policies that other sports franchises and business and industry, can adopt and model.  This includes providing progressive, comprehensive, and on-going education to teach players about healthy relationships and information on ending violence against women.   

Tahoe SAFE Alliance believes violence is a learned behavior and therefore can be prevented.  We call on all men in our community to stand up and take responsibility for their actions and words and to be role models to our youth.   Together, we can stop abuse and make our community a safe place for everyone. To donate, volunteer, or get involved go to www.tahoesafealliance.org.

Sincerely,
Karen S. Carey
Executive Director
Tahoe SAFE Alliance 

                                   

                               

Lessons from bell hooks: How I Use My Power and Privilege to Fight Domestic Violence

In this guest post, Paul Bancroft of Tahoe SAFE Alliance weaves together bell hooks’s power and privilege theory with his own standing as a white male in the domestic violence prevention field to explore how one can make a difference as an insider and outsider in a movement.

bell hooks rocks my world.  I first encountered her work in grad school. Her writings on race, gender, and class have resurfaced over the years, most notably in two recent encounters.  I purchased a copy of her book A Will to Changeand, as I opened it to begin reading, I discovered that it had been signed by her. Definitely a bonus when buying used books! A week later, a quote from the same book surfaced at a retreat I attended as a participant in the Strong Field Project Leadership Development Program.  We were asked to read different quotes that were taped onto the walls and then choose one that resonated with us and share it with our peers.  Of all of the quotes, this one from bell hooks spoke to me:

“In the dominator model the pursuit of external power, the ability to manipulate and control others, is what matters most. When culture is based on a dominator model, not only will it be violent but it will frame all relationships as power struggles”.

I chose this quote because it articulates one of the bigger issues that I think the domestic violence (DV) field is facing. DV intersects with a myriad of other forms of oppression.  bell hooks uses the phrase “imperialist white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy” to describe our political system. While her description may be open to interpretation and unpacking it deserves its own blog entry, I would argue that it also describes many of our social systems and it is a useful reminder that there are multiple oppressive systems at play that need to be addressed if we are really going to work towards ending DV.

The power in being tactically inside and strategically outside

As a field, are we reaching out, sharing victories and challenges with, and learning from other movements like those organizing around immigrant and LGTBQIA rights, worker’s rights, economic justice and access to health care? Can we do a better job of working together towards systematic changes with the vantage point of, as Paulo Freire puts it, “being tactically inside and strategically outside”?  The DV field operates within “the system” as we are primarily funded by local, state, and federal dollars. Similarly, we rely on the criminal justice system to hold abusers accountable and provide various forms of support for those experiencing abuse. Yet we are also situated outside of “the system,” since we can locate ourselves within the broader social justice movement.

bell hooks frequently addresses privilege and power in her writings. Her writings resonate with me because of how I interpret her work. I believe she advocates for creating space where, for instance, men can work as allies in the DV field, white people can work as allies in the fight for racial justice, and heterosexual people can work as allies towards LGBTIQA rights. This is possible as long as we are aware of and willing to take ownership of our privilege and the power we hold.

Understanding and using power and privilege to work as an ally
As a white, educated, middle-class male who has been involved in social justice work for many years, I have learned how to use my power and privilege in a way that is consistent with “being tactically inside and strategically outside.” I can use my white maleness to gain access to relationships, information, and resources to benefit the community members whom we serve. I feel I am in a unique position to be able to challenge other men’s sexist behavior. I have helped bridge the language gap between English and Spanish speaking community members, and I have used my inherent male privilege to gain access to and influence the decision making of law enforcement as it pertains to victims and survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault.  

People with power and privilege can work as allies and are not merely participants in the “White Savior Industrial Complex.” In other words, if people constantly work on awareness and own their power and privilege, listen, ask questions, build relationships, critique (especially themselves), and understand the history and context in which they operate, then they can work from a genuine place; not just come in to “save” those less fortunate folks.   In order to own my power and privilege I need to understand why it exists in the first place by asking, “What systems are in place that perpetuate that power and privilege?  Who benefits and who suffers as a result of these systems?  My work is to use my power and privilege to dismantle the systems that maintain it, to challenge the status quo, and to be an ally.

One of my favorite quotes as adapted from Antonio Machado is “we make the road by walking.” Let’s create the space to walk together where we collectively work to make the world a better place.

Paul Bancroft is Client Services and Prevention Director at Tahoe SAFE Alliance.